Saera

    I try to wrap my head logically and intellectually around Nam Myoho Renge Kyo. How can chanting this one phrase change my life? How am I supposed to believe that it makes a difference? Sometimes, overwhelmed by all the negativity, I cannot imagine how a situation could be any good… Just how is the place where we are right now the Land of Tranquil Light? And yet, when I chant, even if I’m distracted or unfocused or don’t fully understand the significance of my efforts, the causes are made when I chant, and afterwards my life shifts in powerfully positive ways that apparently have little control over or did not occur to me beforehand. This is the vital aspect of creating unwavering faith… to chant no matter what, regardless of the actions of others or the delusions in my own life. When I chant with the sincere desire to improve the state of my life, I mystically move forward.

    Today was that kind of day. Yesterday was so negative and bewildering and frustrating and nauseous. Today I am deeply grateful, even more than I was yesterday, for my sisters in faith, especially Sonia and Cassandra and Jenny O. I am also grateful to Kathy today, for reaching out to me with sincere concern about my personal wellbeing, and not just some timeline or organizational goal. I am impressed with how the universe connected me with Sara P. today, whom I have long neglected and am so inspired by. I am grateful to Ann for washing the dishes and  changing the litter, voluntarily, simply, without complaint or asking for praise. I am realizing that I ask for praise a lot. Got some errands done, went to a meeting about Land Trust and forming some kind of Community Land Trust. Glad to make some connections who are like-minded about basing our physical lives on land and making a better access. I never ever get all the things on my to-do lists done, because I always make ones much too long. But I took some important action, and I will have more to do tomorrow. There is always more to do…. That is the nature of life. So I want to be better choosing of what I spend time on, and how much.  I also want to make sure to give myself space to take in and process what is going on, in my personal life, school, SGI, and the movements toward sustainable humanity.

    A little of this kind of writing, everyday helps a lot…. Gets me to put down all the thoughts that swirl around, puts them somewhere so I don’t rechew them hour after hour or day after day. Of course there are themes I come back to, but I can’t come back to them if I don’t let them go a little bit.

I've been writing here less and less, and at the other blog more. But that's village stuff, and I don't want it to be all about *me*. That's what Lj is for. Anyway, this week's been really intense, and I haven't processed it yet. So glad I'll be off tomorrow. Doing a couple of things, homework, etc. But I'm planning on a lot of chanting and some cooking and a few good phonecalls.

Fall always seems to heighten my emotional awareness. It's hardly even fall here yet, but it's feeling like it, especially with all the rain yesterday and the cloudiness today, with forecast continuance of rain, thunder, and clouds. Now that I'm a little more prepared for it, I don't mind so much.

Been thinking about my sexuality more lately, for a variety of reasons. Want to figure out how to get into a regular exercise rhythm. Considering yoga with Sonia, have to research details. Darrell encouraged me last night to pick up working on breath control and focusing on my abdomen. That is good. I did it before with Daniel and found it helpful to feeling connected to and appreciative of my body. Struggling to chant regularly. I need it more with all the adjustments and changes lately, and yet those very things make it harder to do. Keep coming back to having enough money to eat and work and school and rent, but not enough to really put a dent in changing the way I dress, which is something I'm feeling more and more. Don't need to dress expensively, but want to feel good about how I dress... want to reflect me and portray myself more closely to how I want to see myself manifest in reality. And we're working on getting enough together for a car, but a house feels eons away.

I'm trying to take note of my struggles and negative beliefs right now. Naming the beast helps defeat it. One thing I'm also struggling with that is hard and slippery to grasp is my difficulties in my relationships to some SGI people. Buddhists are people just like everyone else, so there are still things to work through as in any human relationships. Wondering about how joyful my practice is and feeling like certain aspects feel so obligatory. About how the fact that I'm badly needed isn't always fully satisfying to me. About how sometimes I feel so much like people are just inserting me into their timelines.

Good thing I'm off tomorrow. Obviously I need some more time to work on this stuff, as well as homework, eh?

Things I did today:

Overslept and finally got out of bed at 10ish.
Did gongyo
forgot I'd committed to helping Daniel with Laundry
delayed to make a plan with a friend
went and relieved Daniel from laundry duty so he could go chant
Finished laundry and went home.
Made a sandwich with Ann's bread, homemade hummus, and a tomato and green pepper
mulled around and wondered what the heck is up with my left eye being watery
caught myself feeling grouchy for doing so little
decided to do more
got off my ass and chanted 3 minutes for motivation
got it, got together stuff needed for bank
biked to bank, got cashier's check
came home and mailed said check. Hope Alaska will finally let my damn license go.
started a to-do list and made a phone call and got a phone call
started writing an email
Gmail went down and I talked to Aubrey and waited for dishes
gave up on gmail and went to the market and found locally grown ginger roots + leaves at the Tuesday Market. Fantastic aroma! Also: two shapely butternut squash, little shallot style red onions, quirky carrots, sumptuous ground cherries, big lovely deep green peppers, and two perfect-diameter cucumbers
got another phone call from Emi while there. (She introduced me to Buddhism)
ran into a friend
showed off ginger to Daniel
came home and realized I forgot to get a collar and run-line for Jean-Luc Picard...

And it's not 6:30 yet. Next up: Dinner?

 

As soon as Daniel finishes shaving, I'm off to FNCC, the Florida Nature and Culture Center, for a Young Women's Retreat. The FNCC is a conference center for SGI members. It sits on 150 acres of restored wetlands, and I've been hearing how wonderful it is since I started practicing Buddhism. Daniel went last week and came back glowing. That glow has stayed all week. Now it's my turn. I've been anticipating this so long, and I'm glad it's finally here.

See you on the flip side!

-Saera

at cross-wills with myself and the world today.
just really mad at where humanity is right now. This girl who just joined the practice and who I care a lot about is in the hospital for threatening suicide. I'm so sick of this garbage society.
It's not just that. I mean, it makes it even more intensely so. I hate the educational system and the economic system and all the stupid shit that keeps people apart.

yeah, I know. You have for a long time.

I know. And it's only more so all the time. There's so much I have to personally transcend to really get where I need to be and I feel beset by devilish functions everywhere. I know it's just because I'm trying to do something so good, but it's damn exhausting.

I can definitely relate to that. Sometimes it's all you can do just to get up in the morning. But at least you have things to keep you going.

Another convo clip

having a tough day. I'm so mad
at so much that goes on in our country/world/society.

i know
it's hard
one sec
that's what chanting it for
ya know?
you can use that anger in a good way

I know, I know I know. It is just so...permeating of everthing. It all needs to be changed and it cant wait anymore and I am so tired of jumping through the hoops when I understand what kinds of things need to be done and I just don't ave the resoureces for it yet.

Transitions are brewing in my life. The past four or five months have given me a lot to chew on. I'm coming to appreciate the deep desires I have....

the desire to be absolutely open about the positive feelings I have for people

the desire to live my life according to the dictates of my conscience/Buddha nature

the demand in my heart to live a life based on real connections between people and real, earnest, hard work

the will to help others become empowered and enlightened

the yearning to challenge those aspects of our society which disenfranchise, humiliate, and isolate people

These desires have been demanding action, and now I am considering which are my best courses. Several movements will happen of necessity no matter what, as they will free me in the pursuit of all other actions. This includes making sure to chant an hour every day. When I chant I see more clearly, I access and retain inspiration more easily, and compassion and love are able to be the steering lights in my life. I am going to obtain a driver's license again. Although I am not fond of gas powered vehicles for their own sake, it limits me far too much in the modern age not to have it. I may or may not actually need my own car, but the ability to drive will be indispensible. Third, I plan to obtain my passport. While I have no immediate plans for travel, it is impossible to see what the future will bring, and I know it is easier to get far in advance and is good for a long period. Fourth, by the end of this year, I will complete a document outlining my ideas for the village and my reasoning as to the need for the development of such a community.

There are several fronts where I am struggling with my course of action.

The main one, and most pressing due to forces in my environment, is my decision as to whether to continue my formal education, as mentioned here recently.  I am still struggling with that, partly because I haven't discussed the ramifications with anyone at school yet, and that makes me a bit nervous. But I've been chanting and studying Buddhism more lately, and this morning I woke up with a thought that I think has been inspired by the Gohonzon through my efforts recently: Why are you settling on UMass? Why aren't you at Hampshire? What's stopping you from trying to be there? And I thought, Oh my, There is absolutely no reason not to try. Then I had a brief thought about the weight of applying to and being accepted to schools financially. But it doesn't hurt to look at least, and $50 dollars is not too much for your happiness. And so I got up and turned on the computer and went to the Hampshire College website and saw that they were waiving application fees and drastically increasing the money they are giving for aid in response to the economic crisis. So I started my application. This is what I have always wanted educationally. I looked over the site a little bit and fell in love with it all over again. I realize that I still may not be able to afford it, but I won't know until I go for it. Even if I don't go, it will expose me a little more to this community and this area and that is a good thing, especially since one of the things I am going to work toward is a greater presence in the community.

In the meantime, I am going to continue with my working plan. That is to say, I'm strongly considering quitting UMass whether or not I go to Hampshire. My plan of action is as follows: 1)Discuss my thoughts with BDIC advisors and a couple of the profs I had last semester. 2)Change Linguistics to something more releveant. 3)Find a summer program that will help me practice farming and other skills. 4) Work on the Village Proposal/Plan 5)Develop relationships with individuals interested in/supportive of the endeavor. 6) Connect with various relevant organizations, such as the Northeast Organic Farming Association.

There are other fronts, but I have to clock into work shortly, so those will have to wait. But I mention them briefly so I can expand on them later: SGI leadership and organizational development, family, romantic relationships, friendship, workplace, and creativity.

Thanks for reading.

I had a really good week. Nothing external has changed really - I still have a lot going on. But Daniel started doing tozos in the morning. A tozo is when you get together with people just to chant. He's been doing it from 6-7 am, and I joined him 3 days this week. It helps to have a set time and chant with someone else. I really appreciate that it's an extended time period too. I know that chanting just once can make a difference, but doing so for longer periods allows me to really focus and address all the things that I'm concerned about. I feel generally pretty chill about things. I'm getting done what needs to be done and pretty much taking things one at a time, in stride. I really want to keep this up.

I had a good Halloween, although it wasn't exactly my ideal. I spent my afternoon and evening in good company of various people. But barely anyone at Umass dressed up for the day (LAME!), and because I didn't adequately prepare my costume, people kept thinking I was a Minuteman instead of a pirate (Elizabeth Swan). *rolls eyes*

Halloween really is my favorite holiday, but it always sneaks up on me and I'm never ready for it the way I want to be. Next year, I'm determined to make it fabulous. I think I'll take off the day before, Halloween, and the day after. I don't ask for any other holidays off, and I think I owe to to myself. Thanksgiving, Christmas = whatever. But I'm not going to have another half assed Halloween. I'd like to have a spooky party for adults, and also hand out candy to trick or treaters. I'm going to absolutely decorate the whole house with hand made decorations and make spooky food. For years, I've had an idea for a really fabulous costume, and dammit, I'm gonna start designing it and making it for next year. It's gonna be hott.

Dunno why, but I always want to write most in the last couple of minutes before I have to work. Better a few lines than nothing.

This past weekend was good - very intense in a number of ways, some of them direct and obviously fantastic, and others that I really had to work through for them to be good. I've been having a hard time coping with stress lately, and it was very difficult for me to relax. Twice this past weekend I got so stressed that I refused to really let Daniel help me. But I realized that this has to change. It's unacceptable to treat him that way, and it's unacceptable for me to feel so miserable. So I chanted for about an hour in the wee hours of Monday morning. I released a lot of pent up fears and stress and upset. I need to make time to chant, not so that I fulfill some obligation, but so that I can deal with all the other things I have to do. This morning Daniel and I chanted for half an hour, and it felt fabulous.

Off to bag groceries.

I need to be a little nicer to myself. Lately school and the constraints on my time have been draining me a bit. It's not necessary to feel this way. I'm in school because I believe that it will facilitate my future by allowing me to focus on my learning goals, and connect with different people than I might otherwise, not to mention the help to my income (theoretically) I may gain by attaining a degree. Unfortunately, at least for this semester, a lot of what I'm taking is required, and not necessarily set up ideally. Sometimes you have to bite the bullet a little to get what you want. So I'm determined to continue, although I do sometimes question "higher education" being worth all it's cracked up to be.

Yesterday someone mentioned a quote from the Writings of Nichiren Daishonin that says:

"The Buddha who is the entity of Myoho-renge-kyo, of the “Life Span” chapter of the essential teaching, who is both inhabiting subject and inhabited realm, life and environment, body and mind, entity and function, the Buddha eternally endowed with the three bodies— he is to be found in the disciples and lay believers of Nichiren. Such persons embody the true entity of Myoho-renge-kyo; this is all due to the meritorious workings that the spontaneous transcendental powers inherent in it display. Could anyone venture to doubt it? Indeed it cannot be doubted!"  (WND 420, The Entity of the Mystic Law)

The part about spontaneity really struck me. Spontaneity is something I have always enjoyed when I can. I want to express that more - spontaneous transcendental powers.
 
One of the things I think that has been bothering me lately is that there doesn't appear to be much room for spontaneity due to the tightness of my weekly schedule and my scholastic and religious responsibilities. I think that I can be a little more spontaneous than I have been. As long as I do what needs to be done, I can take off and do other things. Too often I deny myself opportunities because I haven't finished this or that yet. But then I distract myself with things like facebook. Facebook is fine when I use it to connect. But when I hang out on it looking for stuff to do, it is merely serving as an escape. And I then I feel like I don't have time to do anything spontaneously.

Here's to another step in discarding the transient and embracing the true!

So, Daniel and I got a car.

We've been chanting to find a way to get one for awhile now. Although I'd rather not have a car in principle, the reality is that it greatly facilitates our capacity to accomplish certain things. The main thing is that as leaders in the SGI, it's hard for us to get around and support people. This is especially challenging since meetings are held in many different locations, sometimes as far away as Boston.

This past weekend a fellow member was chanting to get rid of her secondary car, since it's become a hassle for her on a couple of levels. So Daniel took charge and got his license renewed and worked out a payment plan with her, and the car is with us now. It definitely needs some work, but for the price and the good timing, I'm not complaining. Especially since it meant Daniel was able to pick me up from my late school night.

It's a 1991 Volvo, kind of a beige-ish silvery color, and it needs some kind of Nichiren Buddhist name.

Today's cheer for nerdy women has been brought to you by Shad, and the comic "Giant in the Playground Games". Thank you very much.

www.giantitp.com/comics/oots0029.html

I feel a lot better this evening. My  headcold is mostly gone, and my cramps seem to be on the downswell. Daniel is a sweetie to me, even more so when my body's acting out.

I got a lot of SGI things addressed today, so that was good. Things are moving along. Tomorrow's my first day back in Customer Service. Sweet too, because it's a short shift of only 5.5 hours and time and a half pay for the holiday. So I can get some studying and writing done theoretically.

Everyone wish me luck on my first math exam on Thursday.

I was really moody yesterday and I was sick yesterday and today. But today I figured out that I was moody because of PMS, and I slept 3 or 4 hours after work and a shower today, so I feel a lot better, and am awake now. Today was my last day in Prep Foods. Monday I'm back to Customer Service, so that's yay.

Tomorrow I'm off and just working on school and SGI stuff. Daniel is off for the week, to look for a new job. He said he was planning to spend tomorrow with me, so I'm sure I'll do some homework, but I also want to make sure we go out and do something fun. There are lots of time constraints these days, with work and SGI and school, so it will be nice to have time to use as we will.

I talked to my grandma tonight for the first time in awhile. I guess they've been traveling a lot and that's part of why I haven't been able to get a hold of them. I love talking to my grandma for many reasons, not the least of which is that I get to hear about what's going on with the family as she's heard of it, and her perspective. I really respect my grandma because she really does care about people and tries to look out for their happiness. She is patient with people who have been difficult, and she doesn't just talk supportive, she carries through with that. Even when she disagrees with people, she is still respectful of their right to have their own ideas and she still builds relationships as well as she can.

Lots to write about. School and work and SGI of course, but also the village and personal realization/transformation sequences. But now I'm off to catch the bus and do as much homework as I can today. I think I'm going to have lunch and start with math, then perhaps grocery shop before I visit Daniel at work with a mountain of reading.

You come to mind unpredictably,
without initiative or cause,
your face, etched in my mind,
floats to the fore.
I miss you and I wonder how you are,
when I'll see you next,
and how things will be between us.

Things are busy, but they feel pretty manageable for the moment. As long as I do homework this weekend...

Tomorrow night is an SGI planning meeting for the October Study Meeting. Afterward, Daniel gets to do his birthday treasure hunt. Saturday I work 9-5, and I should get what homework I can done in the evening. Sunday morning will be chores and homework too. Sunday at 1pm is the Student Kickoff meeting for the 5-Colleges, and then hopefully sometime later in the day I'll hang out with Mamta. Nothing's due Monday except one math assignment, but I have an Exam, an essay, and 2 quizzes next week, plus a group-leader paper for Human Eco.

Back to work!

Earlier this week, I was feeling really stressed because it seemed to me that I won't have time to do all the things that demand my attention because of scheduling restraints. But I am coming to find that I have more time than I realized, and that if I manage it well, everything will work out. As long as I continue to work on homework whenever I have time and make determinations to carry out SGI activity commitments, things will work out. I am particularly grateful to Daniel at this time for taking some chores off my plate and helping me de-stress.

This weekend should be uber-productive. Daniel will be away at the Young Men's Division SGI Retreat, so I won't be distracted by him. The danger is that I'll be distracted by SPORE, which is AWESOME! I could go on and on about it, but uh, I have to work. :p

The Young Women's Division Retreat this weekend was really fun. It was Saturday and Sunday near a little town in central MA called Charlton.

Oops, guess I'd better get back to work!

I've really been down a lot over the past several weeks. I am glad to say that I'm really coming out of it now. This is due greatly to Daniel, Ann, my Nichiren Buddhist practice, and my Soka Gakkai family. I've been climbing up for the past week or so. I am learning a lot about myself and trying to challenge it.

One of the most important things is what Daniel helped me to realize last night. This is the fact that I beat myself up when I make mistakes. Daniel pointed out that when we were first together, I used to call myself dumb or stupid all the time whenever I "messed up". I eventually quit calling myself these words due to Daniel constantly, immediately saying that I wasn't dumb or stupid. But I didn't stop the negative thoughts. Daniel always tries to help me through my problems, but he worked around this aspect of me. It has been bothering him and causing him stress. I don't want to do that, and I don't want to feel that way about myself. I logically understand that mistakes are alright, a learning tool that is part of life. However, I have to accept that on a personal emotional level or it makes no difference what I understand in my head.

There is more to say.

I'm sleepy this morning. I stayed up late to go have ice cream with Daniel and Ann.

Work is getting a little better, and my negativity seems to have lifted. I'm still going to look for another job though. Yesterday was good. Elan is cooking now, and he made my day smooth by taking care of the hotbar after breakfast, which allowed me to *actually* take good care of the salad bar. Excellent.

Northampton has lots of businesses hiring, and that's exciting. I plan to do some serious job hunting for a couple of hours on my day off on Friday. I'm determined to chant at least half an hour before I go. An hour would probably be better. Also planned for Friday: Settlers of Catan, a massage by Daniel, and possibly the beach. I also need to finish my housing exemption application, make sure I'm on top of tuition, and write my BDIC proposal.

Kosen Rufu Gongyo is Sunday, Monday is our district planning meeting, and weekend after this is the Young Women's Division camp. That's exciting.

And now, back to work.

Oh yeah. NPR on in the kitchen again this morning. They reported that Congress passed a bill making stricter regulations on children's toys. The vote was 421 - 1. I wonder who was the asshole who voted against *that* one. It really cracked me up.

I'm sleepy this morning. I stayed up late to go have ice cream with Daniel and Ann.

Work is getting a little better, and my negativity seems to have lifted. I'm still going to look for another job though. Yesterday was good. Elan is cooking now, and he made my day smooth by taking care of the hotbar after breakfast, which allowed me to *actually* take good care of the salad bar. Excellent.

Northampton has lots of businesses hiring, and that's exciting. I plan to do some serious job hunting for a couple of hours on my day off on Friday. I'm determined to chant at least half an hour before I go. An hour would probably be better. Also planned for Friday: Settlers of Catan, a massage by Daniel, and possibly the beach. I also need to finish my housing exemption application, make sure I'm on top of tuition, and write my BDIC proposal.

Kosen Rufu Gongyo is Sunday, Monday is our district planning meeting, and weekend after this is the Young Women's Division camp. That's exciting.

And now, back to work.

Oh yeah. NPR on in the kitchen again this morning. They reported that Congress passed a bill making stricter regulations on children's toys. The vote was 421 - 1. I wonder who was the asshole who voted against *that* one. It really cracked me up.

lots to report, so brief ( I hope) listing

• talked to Financial aid to figure out exactly how much I'm getting and signed some loan paperwork (bleh)
• on FinAid's suggestion, asked Bursar's Office to not charge me for housing, since I'm going to be submitting my Housing Exemption Application
• Worked on getting more classes, but mostly just waitlisted for some. A
• Talked to Stockbridge School about taking classes from them - basically have to talk to profs.
  
• went to 3 SGI meetings this weekend: Youth Planning Mtg for Six Flags, Leader's Mtg, and GreenSun discussion meeting
• Had a meeting about the Village!
• had some significant conversations
• renewed some commitments.