Saera

My cat Jubal has been gone 3 days. Boyfriend found a craigslist post describing him... said he'd saw him get hit, then ran off with a hurt leg. So now there's cause for worry instead of curiosity. We scoured the neighborhood and put up signs and chanted. Tomorrow the pet detective is coming. Hopefully he's found soon. Poor kitty. :(

1. Your Middle Name:
2. Age:
3. Single or Taken:
4. Favorite Movie:
5. Favorite Song or Album:
6. Favorite Band/Artist:
7. Dirty or Clean:
8. Tattoos and/or Piercings:
9. Do we know each other outside of LJ?
10. What's your philosophy on life?
11. Is the bottle half-full or half-empty?
12. Would you keep a secret from me if you thought it was in my best interest?
13. What is your favorite memory of us?
14. What is your favorite guilty pleasure?
15. Tell me one odd/interesting fact about you:
16. You can have three wishes (for yourself, so forget all the 'world peace etc' malarky) - what are they?
17. Can we get together and make a cake?
18. Which country is your spiritual home?
19. What is your big weakness?
20. Do you think I'm a good person?
21. What was your best/favorite subject at school?
22. Describe your accent:
23. If you could change anything about me, would you?
24. What do you wear to sleep?
25. Trousers or skirts?
26. Cigarettes or alcohol?
27. If I only had one day to live, what would we do together? (If you have no idea, just say something crazy, it'll entertain me!)
28. Will you repost this so i can fill it out for you?
29. If you were a cake, what kind of cake would you be?
30. Cake or death?
31. What's the most delicious cake you've ever eaten?
32. How long has it been since you've had cake?
33. What kind of wedding cake would you want?

I'm a bit drunk still. Went to Diva's Nightclub tonight. No one biting, still trying to figure all that out, getting comfortable with myself. Note to self, next time DIY makeup. Skirt ok, different top. Work on dancing by yourself maybe?

Sorting out feelings about various things. Not feeling sure about what to do with myself right now.

Sorry if you didn't want to read this, but this energy had to go somewhere.

So I only have 3 more classes left!

Monday I have Math - Final Exam Review, IP & C Exam, and Veg Production Farm visit. Then Exam Friday, Veg. Project Friday, and Veg Exam a week from Monday. And then SUMMER!

I can hardly wait, there are so many  things I am going to do!

Erm, Gotta go back to work.

The weather's been beautiful here in Massachusetts. I have a lot of work to do before the end of the semester, but I plan on a victorious finish, and boy do I have big plans for the summer:

July 1-8 Vacation with Daniel and Ann to Florida to visit with Daniel's family for his grandma's B-day.
Attend Florida Nature and Culture Center Conference, probably in August
Volunteer/internship with Three Sisters Farm in Montague
Hold World Cafe discussions on village ideas/build village community
Look for more relevant employ
research grad school, scholarships, and study-abroad, get classes for next semester straightened out
Spend time with Daniel and Ann
Spend time with local friends, garden with the neighbors
Visit Boston
repierce my ears
read prof-rec'd books.

I forget how much I hate working holidays until they come up. A lot of the minor ones I don't mind, but Easter/Passover is one of the ones that drives me nuts. It always shocks and disturbs me how something that is supposed to symbolize goodness turns people into such assholes. Maybe because I don't practice these religions, some people may say I have no right to criticize, but I think I do because I have to deal with all the assholes. I think it should be considered immoral to use commercialized stuff for holidays... just raw material, home made food, home made gifts, etc.

THAT would be real meaning and thoughtfulness and maybe I wouldn't be so nauseated.

Mostly I've been posting on a blog about the village, so this has slipped a bit.

Been real busy with school and work and SGI as usual, but have finally resolved about school. Changing from BDIC to double major in Geography and Anthropology. Minor in Forestry.

Phone call.

ahh

i have a quote to send you

hold on

sorry, i'm at my internship

a little swamped today..

but i have something that will resonate

i'll send it to you in a message

11:53amSaera

thanks. sorry to bug you so busy. I just saw you one and knew I wanted to tell you this. You know, speak2bfree

11:54amCassandra

"There is a vitality, a life force, a quickening that is translated through you into action, and because there is only one of you in all time, this expression is unique.... You have to keep open and aware directly to the urges that motivate you. Keep the channel open. No artist is pleased. There is no satisfaction whatever at any time. There is only a queer, divine dissatisfaction, a blessed unrest that keeps us marching and makes us more alive than the others."

~ Martha Graham to Agnes DeMille

print that out

where you can see it

and remind yourself

in combo with ikeda, "you havea mission, it is yours alone

you are a boddhisattva!

11:55amSaera

Thanks Cassandra. I know my mission... it's just so... head agains the wall sometimes.

at cross-wills with myself and the world today.
just really mad at where humanity is right now. This girl who just joined the practice and who I care a lot about is in the hospital for threatening suicide. I'm so sick of this garbage society.
It's not just that. I mean, it makes it even more intensely so. I hate the educational system and the economic system and all the stupid shit that keeps people apart.

yeah, I know. You have for a long time.

I know. And it's only more so all the time. There's so much I have to personally transcend to really get where I need to be and I feel beset by devilish functions everywhere. I know it's just because I'm trying to do something so good, but it's damn exhausting.

I can definitely relate to that. Sometimes it's all you can do just to get up in the morning. But at least you have things to keep you going.

Another convo clip

having a tough day. I'm so mad
at so much that goes on in our country/world/society.

i know
it's hard
one sec
that's what chanting it for
ya know?
you can use that anger in a good way

I know, I know I know. It is just so...permeating of everthing. It all needs to be changed and it cant wait anymore and I am so tired of jumping through the hoops when I understand what kinds of things need to be done and I just don't ave the resoureces for it yet.

So Spring Break is just about over. I hardly did any homework, but I did:

MOVE. This always takes so much more energy and time than I think it will

go maple sugaring and learn more than I ever imagined there was to know. I can describe it well enough, that given land and materials, I could set it up

did a little research and feel slightly clearer on what I want educationally

read 2 chapters of a text book

attempted trigonometry and failed and cried and chanted and redetermined and decided to get a tutor

made some new friends and met/hung out with neighbors

stayed out until 2:30am one night

finished reading the Omnivore's Dilemma

work 5 days

rerewatch most of PotC2

Before I forget to mention it, we're moving next week/weekend. Email if you want new addy.

More in the near future, I hope. As always, so much going on, so little time.

Life continues to be busy, but things are generally moving in a good direction.

There's so much to tell and always so little time for doing it. I've decided to go to grad school. Had a sort of 'reality check' talk last week with a Prof from last semester whom I deeply respect. We talked about how getting to grad school requires me to pick *something* to focus on so that I can develop that as my solid background for the village. Also I need to work with professors enough so that they'll give me stellar recommendations and not just mediocre ones. It's really difficult for me to choose one thing. I want to study everything (except math really), but when it comes down to it, it looks like Anthropology or Geography or some combination of the two.

In the meantime, SGI has become uber-busy, but it's really a good thing. The people in the area are waking back up it feels like, to the vision of kosen-rufu.

On a personal front, a lot of interesting things are happening with the way I connect to people. I'm doing some significant self-exploration. Want to talk to Aki about this at some point.

Anyhow, back to work.

Now is a time of becoming more open and authentic about who I am and how I feel.

This morning I had a rough conversation with one of the leaders I practice Buddhism with. It was difficult and intense, but I came out of it stronger, and I know we both found some new realizations. I am recommitted to developing a strong relationship with him as a Bodhisattva of the Earth.

I also redetermined to have detailed notes for every meeting I go to, and particularly to record specific instances of what I find problematic.

Human Revolution is always an ongoing process. I am so grateful for all the things I have learned from Buddhism about shaping the nature of my life.

Damn, better get working.

Besides figuring out what am doing and what want to be doing, need do homework and follow-up for things in motion. Sorry am terse-talking. Heinlein-think is in my brain. Finished rereading The Moon is a Harsh Mistress  this morning. Can never quite reconcile to important detail at end of book. Love it extravagantly nonetheless. Don't remember noticing chai so much before.

Good discussion in Veg. Production this AM.... talked about hybrid vs. open-pollinated crop. Seems conclusion is hybrid for commercial generally, heirloom, seedsaving for special markets and non-commerical (like me). Appreciate the many factors Prof takes into consideration. Like being in room of people who think about this stuff, many with real experience. Room full of good brains, many have heart, but realistic. Food is so much more endlessly complex than most people realize.

Going to meet with a new acquaintance in a little bit. Very interested to see what happens there. New social situation for me. Am a little nervous, but know will be valueable experience despite turnout. More about that someday when I'm feeling particularly courageous and self-reflective simultaneously.

Need to read for classes. Apartment viewings this afternoon? Student Alumni Association meeting tonight.

Reading Omnivore's Dilemma now that have had Heinlein fix.  Gonna read that, then shift focus to mainly reading what I'm supposed to be reading for school. OD is mentioned so much I decided just want to read once and for all, so *I* can ref it.

Right now mainly in my life think I have figured out better my path. Need to follow thru on it, need to back it up with action, action, thought, more action. Wish more hours in day.

School is so far, so awesome. I *still* haven't been to the Sustainability Seminar because first week I had to work, and apparently this week class was canceled or something. But Indigenous Peoples & Conservation, Forests and People, and Vegetable Production are AWESOME, and making UMass much more appealing. I'm finding that I'm really missing talking to my Anthro profs. from last semester though, so I'm stalking their office hours. On Friday I applied to Commonwealth College (the Honors college). It would be *awesome* if they accepted me, but I certainly won't cry if they don't... I'll just continue supplementing myself with  my own connections and paths. Even Math is going alright. Friday I really, really got a problem that someone else asked the prof. The wording of the problem on the computer program we use was weird, so he was having difficulty explaining it. I raised my hand and explained it so that it was clearer, and I felt, for the first time in years, like I could have got up in front of the class and done the problem. It felt really good. I'm glad to have such a good math teacher. My only complaint about school at the moment is minor - I wish that IP & Conservation was more of a discussion and less of a lecture. But the Honors supplement to Forests and People sounds fabulous - we might visit the Catskills or even go maple-sugaring.

I'm still planning on applying to Hampshire. The Commonwealth College app is due Monday, so I did that this week. Hampshire isn't due 'til March, and I'm gonna do as Tats suggested and connect with some people there to make sure it's the best choice for me.

I guess I didn't post about that talk with him yet. It was an hour and a half long. Basically it came down to a couple of things. 1) I need to get a degree, even though I don't want to specialize. In order to make this thing a movement and not just a personal project, I need to have enough, well, authority, I suppose, backing me up, so that I develop the kind of background I need so that people will say, we're having a seminar/discussion/convention/conference on sustainability/community/whatever, we should have Saera come. 2) I should be absolutely greedy when it comes to my education. I should seek out the best professors with the best classes at the best schools. If that means going to Hampshire, so be it. If it means just picking over UMass and busting through all the red tape, so be it. If I take most classes at one school and the rest at another, great. Whatever is the best. 3) Never compromise the basic ideals of the dream. Never drop the dream, only expand it.

In related thoughts, my courage is increasing and so is my faith. Chanted half an hour every day before school except Friday, which was still 15 minutes. It was great.

I've been thinking a lot lately about fashion and how I present myself. I want to refine and polish this, while keeping it reflective of who I am and my values. Shopping with Ann and Mamta may help with this. Lots more to say, no time to say it.

Been rereading The Moon is a Harsh Mistress. Heinlein is always delightful to me. Forgot Wyoh loves chai.

Kish, you're in my thoughts. Didn't know you used google chat. Hope to talk more soon.

Things are becoming clearer, and I'm feeling pretty good about it.

Today I dropped Linguistics and substituted "People and Forests", which sounds like a total blast. I went to Vegetable Production for the first time today. While there are people there who evidently have a lot more experience than I, I don't think I'm the only newb either, and I doubt I'll be over my head. Prof. is passionate about plants and obviously knowledgeable, despite his difficulties with technology. Best part of the class is going to be visiting different farms all around. And he's not just doing conventionals... we'll be going organic places too and talking about both. In fact, first discussion is talking about the two.

There's a seminar I'm trying to join on Sustainability, and that sounds great. I'm trying to get an appointment with my BDIC advisor, and tomorrow night Tats is coming over to chant and talk.

I need to follow up more on that last post I wrote. It was really good, and I have more to say. Alas, lunch over and work hails.

Thanks to everyone who is voicing their support.

Transitions are brewing in my life. The past four or five months have given me a lot to chew on. I'm coming to appreciate the deep desires I have....

the desire to be absolutely open about the positive feelings I have for people

the desire to live my life according to the dictates of my conscience/Buddha nature

the demand in my heart to live a life based on real connections between people and real, earnest, hard work

the will to help others become empowered and enlightened

the yearning to challenge those aspects of our society which disenfranchise, humiliate, and isolate people

These desires have been demanding action, and now I am considering which are my best courses. Several movements will happen of necessity no matter what, as they will free me in the pursuit of all other actions. This includes making sure to chant an hour every day. When I chant I see more clearly, I access and retain inspiration more easily, and compassion and love are able to be the steering lights in my life. I am going to obtain a driver's license again. Although I am not fond of gas powered vehicles for their own sake, it limits me far too much in the modern age not to have it. I may or may not actually need my own car, but the ability to drive will be indispensible. Third, I plan to obtain my passport. While I have no immediate plans for travel, it is impossible to see what the future will bring, and I know it is easier to get far in advance and is good for a long period. Fourth, by the end of this year, I will complete a document outlining my ideas for the village and my reasoning as to the need for the development of such a community.

There are several fronts where I am struggling with my course of action.

The main one, and most pressing due to forces in my environment, is my decision as to whether to continue my formal education, as mentioned here recently.  I am still struggling with that, partly because I haven't discussed the ramifications with anyone at school yet, and that makes me a bit nervous. But I've been chanting and studying Buddhism more lately, and this morning I woke up with a thought that I think has been inspired by the Gohonzon through my efforts recently: Why are you settling on UMass? Why aren't you at Hampshire? What's stopping you from trying to be there? And I thought, Oh my, There is absolutely no reason not to try. Then I had a brief thought about the weight of applying to and being accepted to schools financially. But it doesn't hurt to look at least, and $50 dollars is not too much for your happiness. And so I got up and turned on the computer and went to the Hampshire College website and saw that they were waiving application fees and drastically increasing the money they are giving for aid in response to the economic crisis. So I started my application. This is what I have always wanted educationally. I looked over the site a little bit and fell in love with it all over again. I realize that I still may not be able to afford it, but I won't know until I go for it. Even if I don't go, it will expose me a little more to this community and this area and that is a good thing, especially since one of the things I am going to work toward is a greater presence in the community.

In the meantime, I am going to continue with my working plan. That is to say, I'm strongly considering quitting UMass whether or not I go to Hampshire. My plan of action is as follows: 1)Discuss my thoughts with BDIC advisors and a couple of the profs I had last semester. 2)Change Linguistics to something more releveant. 3)Find a summer program that will help me practice farming and other skills. 4) Work on the Village Proposal/Plan 5)Develop relationships with individuals interested in/supportive of the endeavor. 6) Connect with various relevant organizations, such as the Northeast Organic Farming Association.

There are other fronts, but I have to clock into work shortly, so those will have to wait. But I mention them briefly so I can expand on them later: SGI leadership and organizational development, family, romantic relationships, friendship, workplace, and creativity.

Thanks for reading.

I finally told her how I feel.

What a release from fear! Now I can be a true friend to her and true to myself.

Wow, it has been one crazy week! But things are feeling much more clear now. The main thing I'm not clear is whether the steps I'm taking are those most likely to bring about the village most quickly. Should I stay in school, where I'm not feeling like most of the things that I'm doing are really connected to the village unless I force them to be? Or should I go part time? Or should I stop and design my own plan with the money that would have gone to tuition? Instead of borrowing 9k a year to go to school, maybe I should save up for a house and land and skill classes and supplies?

Going to make list of pros and cons, talk to some people, including some profs and advisors at school. Gonna see if I can make this conventional shit work better for me or if I should just call it quits before I'm another 27k in the hole.

Thoughts?

Really wanting to feel like writing but I'm not feeling sufficiently inspired. Send some my way if you have extra.

People are ridiculous about having their groceries bagged certain ways.

edit: Did a cart run. It's lovely out - balmy almost, not rainy, not too cold. It's giving me a little food for inspiration, so I'm working on notes for the novel.