Saera

( Climbing into Clarity )

 I haven't said much here in awhile. I've been sorting through a lot of thoughts and ideas and feelings. Today I put in my two weeks notice at Whole Foods. Ever since I decided to do that on Tuesday, I have been feeling a lot better emotionally than I have in quite awhile, and it's been sticking for the most part. I am also noticing my creativity and excitement about my life opening up.

Quantitative Geography is nauseating, so much of it simply a foreign language. In spite of myself, I'm learning a good bit of it. Even if I am hollering nuff at present homework.

This sure is a loooong week.

Maple leaves, turning red, fall
back into myself, realigning to
what is deeply me.

I have visions of memories,

I am not yet an adult, after a quarter century.
My values still determined by a child's fantasies, dreams, world-forgings.
I have not given them up, those games I played, those world we built.
The great trees are still my heart's world, hiding to my content in their
playful boughs, peeking through the leaves at the whole wider world,
wonderstruck, imagining, flying through the grandeur of it all.

Hungry for time now, for that deep play outside, for all those pretends,
not needing anything but a friend or two,
a place to warm hands and feet a little,
and later some soup and bread, or cinnamon toast.
Making any little thing we wanted out of our heads, our dirty, chilled hands,
and (as my Willamette existentialist teacher would say)  the ready to hand.

The smell of leaves, and all this stirs, warm light spilling from windows.

A few minutes to myself. Actually, I spent a lot of time alone today. I felt lonely, which I don't usually. I'm fortunate to have many wonderful, deep friends that I have met across time and space.  And it was good to chat online with kittysunlover this afternoon. But it's not the same as sitting around campus visiting or working on homework together. I get some of that with Daniel, but we're rarely both at home studying it seems. I could have gone home today, but I would have had to come back in 3 hours and I didn't feel like spending half that time riding the bus. I guess I want a wider social circle. Sadly, I seem to be pretty pinched for time to invest in that on campus. I feel like I have a sense of being connected to people in the world, but very few of them are actually physically present in my life, and most of those that are only can be in my life here and there for a couple of hours a week. And I wonder about how much to invest really in the undergrad population here. I mean, I guess I might be on this campus another 2-3 years, but there are so many people in so much transition. I spent part of the afternoon sitting in the Stonewall LGBT center. I know this has become really rambly, and I'm not necessarily looking for answers, just taking care of myself a little by getting some of my thoughts out. Today is also the first day that I haven't felt like I'm running around every second figuring out how to do what when and in which order. That's not to say that I'm not busy or don't have a lot to work on, but suddenly I'm feeling like it's a lot more manageable. I think it's partly not being sick at all this week and not working today, but Saturday like I'm supposed to. Also, talking with my geography prof this afternoon made me realize that I'm a lot more capable at that class than I give myself credit for. That's something I thought about last night after almost getting hit by that car, while I was appreciating the fact that I'm alive: I don't give myself enough credit. I do a LOT, and every 3 months or so I guess, I realize that I'm REALLY hard on myself. I am doing well, better than might be expected, taking so many obstacles into account. I'm getting stronger, learning how to do more and meet bigger demands. There's a lot on my plate, it's true, there's a lot I need to decide whether I'm gonna invest in or not, there are problems that I want to turn my creativity towards... and I AM DOING IT.

Josh, I keep meaning to call you. I need to get creative about doing it. I am thinking about you and looking forward to a long conversation.

Særa - up and running again says:
 Hi. I almost got hit by a car about 25 minutes ago.   That was scary!
"It's why I ain't just kissin' you I'm kissin' you off." says:
 Ohnoes!
 *hugs tight* You're okay right?
Særa - up and running again says:
 yeah, fortunately I saw that he was coming and not stopping and I JUMPED out of the way and shouted JEEEEEEEZZZUUUUUUUUUUUUUUSSSSSS at him.
 Onlookers saw, asked if I was ok. Thought I was, but got big aftershock a couple of minutes later.
"It's why I ain't just kissin' you I'm kissin' you off." says:
 Och.  
 *cuddles*
Særa - up and running again says:
 Got a hug from a neighbor, was encouraged by Cassandra on the phone. Chanted appr...eciation to the Gohonzon that I was protected and not hurt. Tonight I am taking some time to take care of myself... but shower, Portuguese homework, some tlc, ravioli dinner
 *hugs*
"It's why I ain't just kissin' you I'm kissin' you off." says:
 *pets* Yes, take good care of your lovely and wonderful self.   And be ever the more careful when walking <3
Særa - up and running again says:
 Yesh. Sheesh. I was half way across too. Not like I stepped off the curb into it.
"It's why I ain't just kissin' you I'm kissin' you off." says:
 Was it dark?
Særa - up and running again says:
 yeah. I was in the crosswalk, and granted I'm wearing dark clothes... still wearing my workpants and the only sweatshirt I have.  He made a really sharp turn.  I'm surprisingly *not* mad, just glad nothing worse happened. He was startled too, and seemed genuinely sorry.
"It's why I ain't just kissin' you I'm kissin' you off." says:
 Did he stop to make sure you were okay?
 I had a close call walking in the dark one time, too - woman coming out of a side street and her car was dark and I wasn't wearing bright clothes either. It was the night my dad blew up at me and I walked out, so I was very involved in my phone conversation and not paying attention
 But she stopped and made sure I was okay, so it worked out
Særa - up and running again says:
 He paused, saw I was alright, apologized. It happend really fast. I pretty much kept walking after I shouted JESUZ at him, and a couple of ladies asked if I was ok and I said, yeah, I'm fine, not hurt, and kept walking home. This happened like 4 minutes from my house
"It's why I ain't just kissin' you I'm kissin' you off." says:
 Ahh   Well I am very very glad you weren't hurt
Særa - up and running again says:
 Meeee too. Ugh. I've had enough close calls with cars to last a lifetime.
"It's why I ain't just kissin' you I'm kissin' you off." says:
 *snugs*
Særa - up and running again says:
 *snug*

I have a lot that I've been wanting to write about. Only a little I think tonight, I still have Quantitative Geography to work on.

I am shifting. I remain irrevocably committed to the intentions of this blog, my mission towards a series of village intentional communities. But I have been opening myself up to more possibilities. I realized recently, with some shock, that I have become a bit more conservative than I mean to me... not in terms of ideals or ideology..., but in terms of what I am willing to risk, try, do, give up, sacrifice. I'm not sure where all that started. I think that matters a bit... I could learn a few things by figuring out when that became a bigger trend and not just a minor thing with some things. I have noticed it because this summer, in trying to work toward a community of people with the shared goal of physical actualization of the village, I came to understand that I am too unilateral in this. Before anyone nay-says this, I am not bashing myself. I am looking and seeing where I can improve, how to move forward. And what I see is that there *are* other people in this movement, doing similar things. Even if I do not want to do things just as they do or see things differently, I can learn a great deal, and I can become part of the network of intentional communalists. These realizations also led me to a desire to be broader in my academic scope. Buddhism teaches me that I don't have to limit myself. I am beginning to observe and live that teaching instead of just listening to it. So suddenly I am not just shifting how I think about the Sunflower Village Initiative, I am redefining what I think is possible for my life. This past week, I've frequently felt overwhelmed... I realized that I'm having a bit of an identity crisis. It's a ultimately a good thing, it's self induced, and I'm glad I'm having it. That doesn't keep it from being kind of stressful and chaotic and me wanting lots of space, particularly for writing. Last week I really didn't feel like I had timespace for writing. I think I'm going to have more of it this week. Suddenly I am incorporating all my desires and dreams, looking again to see how they work together, support each other, fuse together into this phenomena called my life.

I am very grateful to my friends right now. I appreciate your unwavering support and unconditional love. Thank you.

p.s. It's *actually* fall in New England now, and it's gorgeous

- Econ. Geo Video
-EVERYTHING for Q. Geo
-Study Port
-Read Hunger
-Partay
-make lasagna
-clean house.

Note to self: talk to Fox at Living Routes about the ARC community. Talk to Daniel about just what we're willing to do toward living in a community at this point/in the next year.

YES YES YES. Thank you Tim West!

    I try to wrap my head logically and intellectually around Nam Myoho Renge Kyo. How can chanting this one phrase change my life? How am I supposed to believe that it makes a difference? Sometimes, overwhelmed by all the negativity, I cannot imagine how a situation could be any good… Just how is the place where we are right now the Land of Tranquil Light? And yet, when I chant, even if I’m distracted or unfocused or don’t fully understand the significance of my efforts, the causes are made when I chant, and afterwards my life shifts in powerfully positive ways that apparently have little control over or did not occur to me beforehand. This is the vital aspect of creating unwavering faith… to chant no matter what, regardless of the actions of others or the delusions in my own life. When I chant with the sincere desire to improve the state of my life, I mystically move forward.

    Today was that kind of day. Yesterday was so negative and bewildering and frustrating and nauseous. Today I am deeply grateful, even more than I was yesterday, for my sisters in faith, especially Sonia and Cassandra and Jenny O. I am also grateful to Kathy today, for reaching out to me with sincere concern about my personal wellbeing, and not just some timeline or organizational goal. I am impressed with how the universe connected me with Sara P. today, whom I have long neglected and am so inspired by. I am grateful to Ann for washing the dishes and  changing the litter, voluntarily, simply, without complaint or asking for praise. I am realizing that I ask for praise a lot. Got some errands done, went to a meeting about Land Trust and forming some kind of Community Land Trust. Glad to make some connections who are like-minded about basing our physical lives on land and making a better access. I never ever get all the things on my to-do lists done, because I always make ones much too long. But I took some important action, and I will have more to do tomorrow. There is always more to do…. That is the nature of life. So I want to be better choosing of what I spend time on, and how much.  I also want to make sure to give myself space to take in and process what is going on, in my personal life, school, SGI, and the movements toward sustainable humanity.

    A little of this kind of writing, everyday helps a lot…. Gets me to put down all the thoughts that swirl around, puts them somewhere so I don’t rechew them hour after hour or day after day. Of course there are themes I come back to, but I can’t come back to them if I don’t let them go a little bit.

I've been writing here less and less, and at the other blog more. But that's village stuff, and I don't want it to be all about *me*. That's what Lj is for. Anyway, this week's been really intense, and I haven't processed it yet. So glad I'll be off tomorrow. Doing a couple of things, homework, etc. But I'm planning on a lot of chanting and some cooking and a few good phonecalls.

Fall always seems to heighten my emotional awareness. It's hardly even fall here yet, but it's feeling like it, especially with all the rain yesterday and the cloudiness today, with forecast continuance of rain, thunder, and clouds. Now that I'm a little more prepared for it, I don't mind so much.

Been thinking about my sexuality more lately, for a variety of reasons. Want to figure out how to get into a regular exercise rhythm. Considering yoga with Sonia, have to research details. Darrell encouraged me last night to pick up working on breath control and focusing on my abdomen. That is good. I did it before with Daniel and found it helpful to feeling connected to and appreciative of my body. Struggling to chant regularly. I need it more with all the adjustments and changes lately, and yet those very things make it harder to do. Keep coming back to having enough money to eat and work and school and rent, but not enough to really put a dent in changing the way I dress, which is something I'm feeling more and more. Don't need to dress expensively, but want to feel good about how I dress... want to reflect me and portray myself more closely to how I want to see myself manifest in reality. And we're working on getting enough together for a car, but a house feels eons away.

I'm trying to take note of my struggles and negative beliefs right now. Naming the beast helps defeat it. One thing I'm also struggling with that is hard and slippery to grasp is my difficulties in my relationships to some SGI people. Buddhists are people just like everyone else, so there are still things to work through as in any human relationships. Wondering about how joyful my practice is and feeling like certain aspects feel so obligatory. About how the fact that I'm badly needed isn't always fully satisfying to me. About how sometimes I feel so much like people are just inserting me into their timelines.

Good thing I'm off tomorrow. Obviously I need some more time to work on this stuff, as well as homework, eh?

Things I did today:

Overslept and finally got out of bed at 10ish.
Did gongyo
forgot I'd committed to helping Daniel with Laundry
delayed to make a plan with a friend
went and relieved Daniel from laundry duty so he could go chant
Finished laundry and went home.
Made a sandwich with Ann's bread, homemade hummus, and a tomato and green pepper
mulled around and wondered what the heck is up with my left eye being watery
caught myself feeling grouchy for doing so little
decided to do more
got off my ass and chanted 3 minutes for motivation
got it, got together stuff needed for bank
biked to bank, got cashier's check
came home and mailed said check. Hope Alaska will finally let my damn license go.
started a to-do list and made a phone call and got a phone call
started writing an email
Gmail went down and I talked to Aubrey and waited for dishes
gave up on gmail and went to the market and found locally grown ginger roots + leaves at the Tuesday Market. Fantastic aroma! Also: two shapely butternut squash, little shallot style red onions, quirky carrots, sumptuous ground cherries, big lovely deep green peppers, and two perfect-diameter cucumbers
got another phone call from Emi while there. (She introduced me to Buddhism)
ran into a friend
showed off ginger to Daniel
came home and realized I forgot to get a collar and run-line for Jean-Luc Picard...

And it's not 6:30 yet. Next up: Dinner?

 

As soon as Daniel finishes shaving, I'm off to FNCC, the Florida Nature and Culture Center, for a Young Women's Retreat. The FNCC is a conference center for SGI members. It sits on 150 acres of restored wetlands, and I've been hearing how wonderful it is since I started practicing Buddhism. Daniel went last week and came back glowing. That glow has stayed all week. Now it's my turn. I've been anticipating this so long, and I'm glad it's finally here.

See you on the flip side!

-Saera

I haven't made a detailed post in a long time. Really there's so much that happens with my life these days that it's hard to get around to posting it on LJ.

Here's a glimpse of what I've been doing with my summer:

Working 3-4 days a week at Whole Foods. I hate it, but until I change the conditions of my life, I'm doing my best to stay positive about it. When I got back from Florida (more about that shortly), I had a hard time adjusting to work again. I realized how much I hate it. But with chanting and talking and studying and thinking, I have some ideas that are helping me deal with it.

I've been doing a lot of Buddhist activities. It may seem incredible, but they really are helping me become stronger. As I dedicate myself to helping other people, especially youth, better understand Buddhism, I learn and grow myself. It is making me strong, although those on the outside may not see it yet.

Daniel, Ann, and I went to Florida for a week at the beginning of July. We visited his grandma. Daniel's parents came, and he got to see a bunch of other relatives he hadn't seen for about 13 years. Everyone was very kind and it was interesting to be included at someone else's family gathering.

Ann is leaving Friday for a month in Vermont at the Vermont Youth Conservation Core. It'll be weird for us that she's away, and we'll miss her a lot. We will have a lot to keep us busy, but I know her presence will be obvious anyway.

Going back to Florida in August to the Florida Nature and Culture Center for the Young Women's Retreat. I've been hearing about it ever since I started practicing Buddhism, so I'm very excited.

Well, off to bed. More soon, maybe.

My cat Jubal has been gone 3 days. Boyfriend found a craigslist post describing him... said he'd saw him get hit, then ran off with a hurt leg. So now there's cause for worry instead of curiosity. We scoured the neighborhood and put up signs and chanted. Tomorrow the pet detective is coming. Hopefully he's found soon. Poor kitty. :(

1. Your Middle Name:
2. Age:
3. Single or Taken:
4. Favorite Movie:
5. Favorite Song or Album:
6. Favorite Band/Artist:
7. Dirty or Clean:
8. Tattoos and/or Piercings:
9. Do we know each other outside of LJ?
10. What's your philosophy on life?
11. Is the bottle half-full or half-empty?
12. Would you keep a secret from me if you thought it was in my best interest?
13. What is your favorite memory of us?
14. What is your favorite guilty pleasure?
15. Tell me one odd/interesting fact about you:
16. You can have three wishes (for yourself, so forget all the 'world peace etc' malarky) - what are they?
17. Can we get together and make a cake?
18. Which country is your spiritual home?
19. What is your big weakness?
20. Do you think I'm a good person?
21. What was your best/favorite subject at school?
22. Describe your accent:
23. If you could change anything about me, would you?
24. What do you wear to sleep?
25. Trousers or skirts?
26. Cigarettes or alcohol?
27. If I only had one day to live, what would we do together? (If you have no idea, just say something crazy, it'll entertain me!)
28. Will you repost this so i can fill it out for you?
29. If you were a cake, what kind of cake would you be?
30. Cake or death?
31. What's the most delicious cake you've ever eaten?
32. How long has it been since you've had cake?
33. What kind of wedding cake would you want?

I'm a bit drunk still. Went to Diva's Nightclub tonight. No one biting, still trying to figure all that out, getting comfortable with myself. Note to self, next time DIY makeup. Skirt ok, different top. Work on dancing by yourself maybe?

Sorting out feelings about various things. Not feeling sure about what to do with myself right now.

Sorry if you didn't want to read this, but this energy had to go somewhere.

So I only have 3 more classes left!

Monday I have Math - Final Exam Review, IP & C Exam, and Veg Production Farm visit. Then Exam Friday, Veg. Project Friday, and Veg Exam a week from Monday. And then SUMMER!

I can hardly wait, there are so many  things I am going to do!

Erm, Gotta go back to work.

The weather's been beautiful here in Massachusetts. I have a lot of work to do before the end of the semester, but I plan on a victorious finish, and boy do I have big plans for the summer:

July 1-8 Vacation with Daniel and Ann to Florida to visit with Daniel's family for his grandma's B-day.
Attend Florida Nature and Culture Center Conference, probably in August
Volunteer/internship with Three Sisters Farm in Montague
Hold World Cafe discussions on village ideas/build village community
Look for more relevant employ
research grad school, scholarships, and study-abroad, get classes for next semester straightened out
Spend time with Daniel and Ann
Spend time with local friends, garden with the neighbors
Visit Boston
repierce my ears
read prof-rec'd books.

I forget how much I hate working holidays until they come up. A lot of the minor ones I don't mind, but Easter/Passover is one of the ones that drives me nuts. It always shocks and disturbs me how something that is supposed to symbolize goodness turns people into such assholes. Maybe because I don't practice these religions, some people may say I have no right to criticize, but I think I do because I have to deal with all the assholes. I think it should be considered immoral to use commercialized stuff for holidays... just raw material, home made food, home made gifts, etc.

THAT would be real meaning and thoughtfulness and maybe I wouldn't be so nauseated.